i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Randomize
