From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
So squirting runs in the family.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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