I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
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