If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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