My friends, they love my intelligence
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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