I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
