i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
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