I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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