why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
