last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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