I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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