She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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