i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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