No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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