ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize