watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Just took my morning after pill in the library
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
