You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
