She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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