The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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