I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Randomize
