There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
