Say something about gay babies.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
