I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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