neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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