This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
