i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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