....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
