Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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