I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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