If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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