Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
