Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize