i'm signing you up for texting rehab
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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