I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
