I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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