You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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