I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
