Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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