I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
