Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Randomize
