She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
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