I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
