My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
