it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
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