seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
