when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
