If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
she told me i tasted like america
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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