Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
