i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
