she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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