i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Randomize
