The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
