I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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