Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
