1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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