Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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