Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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