seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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