How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
