I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
