she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
