I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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