Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
