Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
