new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Randomize
