the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
