Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
