WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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