My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
