Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
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